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May 30, 2006
kelso and the canary
"We need to start smoking out the Canary," I tell College Boy, "Seriously, she
is starting to freak me out."
"Maybe we could bake her some brownies. That would probably do it."
College Boy replies.
We nod in agreement. The idea of secretly drugging someone is wrong on so
many levels. My head full of visions of horny guys with Spanish Fly. But these
are exceptional circumstances.
The Canary is around 50, has 2 children, and has worked at the Deli for 2 years.
She's an assistant manager and while Kosher is on Sabbatical, she is in charge.
High strung does not begin to describe her. She works faster than anyone in our
dept. Flying in from the back of the store, she frantically yells at customers,
"Can I help you? Can I help you?" She swoops down on the last person in line not
being served. Most days, she moves in 50 directions at once - gets distracted,
moves on to something else. In her wake, a trail of unfilled Chicken Salad bowls
lie on the prep table.
On a slow day, I take my time doing easy tasks. If she catches me, I'm in for it.
"David, you need to get more Salami from the back; take out the trash; wash
these dirty spoons; sweep; and wipe this glass down - it's got fingerprints all
over it." She flies off to another employee. I shake my head, and try to digest
how my day just got complicated. All of a sudden, I'm the slow kid in first grade.
She once told me if I got caught putting cheese on the wrong side of a sandwich,
I would get fired.
"Don't forget to wear gloves, or you'll get fired."
"The dishwater needs to be at least 85 degrees, or you'll get fired."
"If you don't double-bag the trash can, you'll get fired."
She's not threatening me. She doesn't have the authority to fire me. She fears
the wrath of the big, bad, OCD corporate monster who will someday swoop in
and give her her notice. "I'm sorry," she will plea, "I will never put extra mayo in
the Chicken Salad again."
The Canary is a prophet of doom, warning us all against our impending job
terminations. I, being a masochist, always get a little glimmer of hope in my eye
from her admonitions.
zen and the art of chicken salad | By davidm | 11:15 PM
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Comments
Okay, but dude, seriously: If you don't wash the dishes and implements at a sanitary temperature; if you don't wear protective clothing and thus let your grubby fingers touch my food; if you don't sweep the floor, wipe the glass, and re-stock the merchandise, I and my fellow customers will fire you. Forget corporate -- the customers are the ultimate authority here. We can "fire" corporate, middle management, and peons in one fell swoop.
Reading this makes me never want to eat anywhere -- restaurants, delis, anything that I don't fix myself or explicitly trust the person who's preparing. I'm glad for people like this "Canary." I was at a Taco Bell recently, and one dumbass slacker behind the counter started sneezing and coughing up a lung while just standing in the food area. The supervisor actually had to verbally remind this person to wash her hands before picking up a tray of someone's food.
Your "high strung" equates to my "responsible," or so it sounds.
Posted by: joe public at June 1, 2006 08:02 AM
The customers in charge?
That's what people in the world of retail want you to believe.
I can assure you that you work for us and not the other way around.
Posted by: davidm at June 1, 2006 09:26 AM
Huh?
Posted by: Bill at June 1, 2006 10:24 AM
You CP fellas are taking this way too seriously.
Posted by: davidm at June 1, 2006 11:18 AM
All I said was "huh."
How do you derive any emotion from that? :)
Posted by: Bill at June 1, 2006 11:33 AM
i'm psychic.
Posted by: davidm at June 1, 2006 11:39 AM
First of all, it's a story. Though it may be based on David's experience, he has dramatized it. You're in his world now; his rules, not yours. To critique the story based on your own paranoia is missing the point. And it's obnoxious.
Second of all, on behalf of all those who have worked food service for shitty wages, I say to Joe Public: by all means, stop eating food that you don't "fix [yourself] or explicitly trust the person who's preparing." It would be better for all parties involved.
Posted by: jw at June 1, 2006 12:22 PM
i'm pretty sure David here is all about a cleanly food prep environment. Very colorful and intriguing description of the woman dude.
Why is someone arguing with a work of prose?
Posted by: safeguy at June 1, 2006 12:31 PM